The Porch

115 Avenue C

Why have clueless meatheads taken over the formerly Beloved and dicey eastern outposts of Alphabet City? Believe me, a trip to The Porch won’t help you solve this perpetual conundrum by any stretch of the imagination. What could be an innocuous, delightful little hovel amounts to little more than another House-driven shopping mall for the sex-starved uninformed. Bonuses do include a smoke machine (really!) inside the entrance to disguise tolerated smoking for any wayward City Officials and a Euro style yard that merits the impromtu party or sitting a little closer to your selected stone fox on a chilly autumnal evening. Be wary of the bartendress, who seems like she’s mourning her waning prescription supply as she remakes your drink four times and of the many new “friends” you’ll make whilst your date is in the bathroom. Fair to say you have been warned. [S.B.B.]

Rated X Panty Party @ Scenic

25 Avenue B

This tried and true East Village party hosted by the lovely and unstoppable Miss Theo has moved to a new location. Formerly creating havoc and scandal at the now defunct Opaline, this rock and roll melee is deftly terrorizing the neighborhood and responsible for numerous hungover devotees every Saturday night. After attending the opening night, yours truly would venture to say that only a blind date with Gram Parsons or forced gunpoint would ever find me there again. However, to be fair, if you like being smashed into claustrophobic chaos while having tequila dumped all over you legs to a Dead Boys soundtrack, this just might be the little piece of Heaven you’ve been looking for.[S.B.B.]

MisShapes @ Luke and Leroy’s

21 Seventh Ave. S.

A party to charm even the most skeptical partygoer (note to self: see mirror), this Saturday night West Village event wins the prize for surprise. IF you can get in past the throngs, hopefuls, quintessential velvet ropes and infamous “door bitch,” you are in for a treat. Lovely arrays from all walks and cliques mill about in fine form, swilling away downstairs and dirty dancing upstairs. A rotating roster of mixmasters blend dance and rock that will, mark my word, make you shake what yer Mama gave you, for better or for worse! All this AND a guest appearance by Madonna, making her grand entrance through the thickest of thieves, with an entourage of ten bodyguards. No, I’m not messing with your mind, she walked within two feet of yours truly and was as gracious and gorgeous as you could ever imagine in your wildest of dreams. She braved the density of the dance floor and got behind the turntables for a brief spell before vanishing into the night. If this is any indication of the incidental magic that the MisShapen folk cook up for us on a regular basis, Sophie BB declares New York nightlife to be more than alive and kicking. [S.B.B.]

Angel's Share

8 Styvesant Street

Oh, now this is a hideaway gem that appeals to Sophie BB’s twisted little heart! For those of you not in the know, this East Village standby has been around for years. A wood paneled hole in the wall, Angel’s Share is THE place to impress even the most fickle of dates. Reached by walking through a raucous restaurant up an unassuming flight of greasy stairs, one is instantly transported into a world of class and exquisitely detailed inebriation. Every martini stirred with a giant clear cube, every snifter filled with a bouquet of the finest single malt AND a laminated menu of cocktails? What more could the discerning seamy boozehound ask for? This ain’t no disco: Rules concerning No Shouting and No Standing dictate that if others have, literally, beaten you to the proverbial punch, you just have to come again some other day. A little pricey, you pay for the priviledge of their cocktail no-how and impeccable service. Be sure to note the artwork, veiled and masterful and if, by chance, you are scolded for a vulgar public display of affection, just tell ‘em that Sophie sent ya. Trust me, they’ve seen worse. [S.B.B.]

The Skinny

174 Orchard St, Manhattan

A lucky survivor of the Orchard Street makeover-in-progress, the former Dharma bar lives up to its name in shape, but not in its cocktails. Hefty drinkies, stellar DJs, cozy make-out nooks and really, really, really bad art. All that AND some guy doing coke in the bathroom every ten minutes by himself in an empty bar convinces me that good old school New York hasn’t totally vanished for good up the Gap vacuum. Long live the nameless dives downtown!! [S.B.B.]

Memory Motel Bar

Montauk, Ny

Whispers, rumors and whiskey cravings, like wild horse, could not keep me away from this legendary Montauk staple and its bar. Lore has it that the song was penned by ol’ Mick Jagger hisself during a little East End getaway. Now what he was DOING exactly, holed up in an unremarkable roadside dive in a fishing town in 197- remains to be explained. But my lover and I stopped in for some local flavor. Stones memorabilia dot the walls and frat boys hog the pool table, but Louise behind the bar made it all ok. She poured the Maker’s generously into plastic, drawling nonsense about never having served it before and marveling at the red wax top, trying to determine how to approach it’s removal! Needless to say, we had to open it for her. At first, Louise seemed to hail from some exotic land- Sweden, perhaps! But, after a little quality interaction, the leatherfaced sprite turned out to be just, uh, driving with her foot on the brake, if you catch my drift. The Memory Motel Bar also boast a stage if inspiration strikes and the back wall even has an amazing raised wooden wall pictorial from the 30’s, complete with the USSR! A relic from the days when bars had maps instead of Coors pin up poster and jello shots. Ahhh, the Memories…The motels….The…Wait a second, it’s all coming together now…. [S.B.B.]

Lido

200 Columbia St, Brooklyn

Unassuming and darling, this newish Red Hook joint serves PBR and has the sassiest bartendress this side of the Gowanus Canal! Molly serves ‘em up right with cohort Justin hosting karaoke on the weekends. Roomy and relaxing, note that Lido (as in deck for all you Love Boat veterans) has a back patio PERFECT for summer parties. (hint, hint…Don’t forget to invite the fabulous HCR staff to your soirees! Didn’t you always want your name in lights?) [S.B.B.]

Botanica

Houston at Elizabeth, Manhattan

Housed in the former Knitting Factory basement, this dive is a gem in the sea of corporate hell that is now our beloved downtown. On those sultry nights when nothing will do but a can of PBR and dark debauchery with the locals, head here without haste and let the former tennis pro behind the bar heal whatever ails you. If midweek is in your bar-crawling future, Wednesday rewards you twiceover with the 7 inch soul wonders of DJ Finewine spinning Heaven to send you straight to Hell! Sophie can tell you firsthand that it’s hot enough for ya. [S.B.B.]

Zebulon Café

258 Wythe Avenue, Brooklyn

Innocuous and transportive. If you find yourself in the middle of B-Burg and your mind says bistro, booze and backsliding, you could do worse than this little edge of the world bar with snacks and a stage. The entertainment veers on eternal klezmer art-damage (though I’ve heard rumors of jazz and other circumstances), but the dour service, cheese plates, lack of cover at the door and flirt-riddled Scorpio behind the bar even the score. [S.B.B.]

Brooklyn Social Club

335 Smith Street, Brooklyn

As I passed the non-members welcome sign of this uber charming former Carroll Gardens men’s club (read: mafioso epicenter), I stepped into a parlor and was bathed in sepia light that would best befit Edith Sitwell at her most pub-crawlingest dregs or Rod Stewart in the Plaid Period. One year young, this little gem of a bar has everything you could dream of: Available pool table, tasteful jukebox, smoking patio and even paninis to save you from the complete embarrassment that results from the painful ‘Liquid Only’ dinner! The owner is often found behind the bar, a Shepard to thirsty Sheep, serving up old standbys and post-prohibition style indulgences. Note to gin lovers: Yes, they have Hendricks!!! The one drawback to such a dream dive? 98% backwards baseball hats on any given friggin’ evening! MY advice? Go with a gaggle of motley upstarts and take back the night! [S.B.B.]

Grand Press

284 Grand Street, Brooklyn

Two words: Shit sandwich. [S.B.B.]

Milk and Honey

134 Eldridge Street, NYC

Infamous for its so-called ‘exclusive’ reservations-only policy, this LES speakeasy makes for sloppy recollections and good shock value for those hard-to-please cynical out-of-town guests. 1930s vibes and social rule sets in the can, seemy waitstaff that steal your scarf if they had a fight with their live-in and an off-duty cop as their dishwasher (yes, really) only fortify the feeling that you’ve passed the Point of No Return. Whatever you do, order with the fresh-squeezed juices and, by all means, no projectile vomiting out front as they have it monitored by video and trust me, the owner will chase you down with copious amounts of bleach water, thereby ruining your shoes. Highly recommended. [S.B.B.]

Tainted Lady Lounge

(Grand and Havemeyer-ish in Williamsburg)

Another creation by super-hip-bar-maven, Deb Parker. This uber-cool new bar has pictures of pinup girls covering nearly every spare square inch of the place. Really, the place looks great. Good-looking bar, retro fixtures and barstools, and 70s Penthouse magazines in the bathroom. The atmosphere takes it the whole 9 yards. Here lies the rub: 1. They don't carry Heineken, 2. The beer they did have was warm. The night we went there it was pretty slow, but I imagine it will catch on soon to all the drunky-pants hipsters in the vicinity and be a raging success.

151

(at 151 Rivington St, Manhattan.)

Okay, so it was late, and I was a LITTLE tipsy and spent most of my stay there making out with a cutie in the corner (shameless, I know) But it was cozy and relaxing, classic rock on jukebox, reasonably priced beers, and great light fixtures. I'd go back.

 151

(the bar on Rivington)

I must have been pretty drunk the first time I was there and some how imagined these 'cool light fixtures' Whatever, I was back there last night (a shade more sober) and there is no such thing just regular lights, nothing cool about them.

Funhouse

(on N.4th btwn Driggs and Bedford in Williamsburg, Brooklyn)

My friend says, 'Oh, that Funhouse place that was neither fun, nor a house.' I say, that's a bit too cynical. I mean, c'mon, $3 Heinekens??!! Hard to beat. It's HUGE, the space that is, so big you feel like you should take the bus over to the restrooms. However, it's airy enough for that open summertime bar vibe. I shiver to think of the wintertime at Funhouse. But for the next couple months I imagine I might find myself there every now and then.

Delancy Lounge

(On Delancy St, at the foot of the Williamsburg bridge in LES)

Evidently this new bar is part of the Piano's dynasty ah. remember the days when it was just lil' ol' Swim?? Anyhow, we went to some Secret Machine's after-show party there at the Delancy Lounge, and it was super crowded, and super expensive (Makers and soda and a Heineken for $14?! Puhhleeze), and super dumb. The 'lower level' was just like some basement rec room that someone lost interest in actually finishing. We talked our way into the VIP section (a roped off corner of the room), which was even more inane. Why bother? The best part of the evening was looking at a dirty magazine in 'lower level' with my friends. I never want to go back. Never.

Siberia

(40th St. at 9th Ave., Manhattan)

Yeah, you're right, it's NOT in the subway anymore it moved 10 blocks south. It's still divey and dirty though. They usually have some punk bands playing in the basement, and a regular clientele based out of Hunter art students. The only thing you really need to know though is that they serve those little Heinekens there. I love those things. They're so darned cute!

Lakeside Lounge

(Ave B, between 10th and 11th streets, Manhattan, NY)

I drink two beers here once a week. They have this happy hour from 4-8 daily, where, when you buy one beer, you get the next one for free. pretty good deal. Since I'm usually on Ave B. at least once a week it's a very convenient routine to get into. It's not a place I would really want to go to at night (because at night, it's super crowded and stuffy like many Manhattan bars) But in the early evening, it's sunny and airy and pretty empty. and as my friend put it, "there's something really nice about drinking a beer when it's still light outside "They have a really good jukebox, but there's some kind of wiring problem or something because it always seems to cut out every third song or so and they have a $4 photo booth, for whatever that's worth. and I swear I saw Edward Norton (sans Salma) in there the other day.

Art Land

(Grand St. at Union, Williamsburg, NYC)

Every now and then it seems like a good idea to check out bars that aren't on our regular rotation; and it's rare when this idea actually turns out to be a good one. So just last night, my friend and I had that very same notion "hey, let's check out those bars on Grand St., we never go there." We should have listened to ourselves say that last part.."We never go there.." and think that there's probably a reason for that Okay, so first we went to Art Land, because I've actually had an okay time there before, and I remember that there was this pretty good Deejay guy that played garage music. Last night, however, it was tango night, so they'd pushed aside all the couches and chairs in the middle of the bar and there were all these couples carefully trying to "tango" to really quiet, bland music. Since they don't carry Heineken (that's a strike against them right there) we each got a Presidente and sat around the Pac Man game in the corner.

Redd's Tavern

(Grand St. at Leonard, Williamsburg, NYC)

Next stop was the Redd's Tavern, down the street a couple blocks. I'd been there once before right when it opened, so I sort of knew what to expect that is, a Sports bar vibe, with 4 TVs all on different channels, a huge bar with a bunch of beefy guys playing pool in the back. A totally classic rock jukebox, and a couch along the wall. We got to hear Guns and Roses, "Patience," along with some Led Zeppelin, and Rolling Stones, AND they serve Heinekens so that was excellent. Unfortunately, the general atmosphere was lacking so much je ne sais quoi; I can't really see myself going back anytime soon. When you try new bars where you just don't fit in, you get that cold and lonely feeling and start thinking that just maybe you might be drinking for all the wrong reasons. And that's a crying shame.

R Bar

(Graham and Meeker, Williamsburg, NYC)

Well, I've never made it to the happy hour, which is from 1-2am, I was either too early or too late both times I've been there, but that seems like a novel idea. And that is about the only attractive thing about this non descript bar. The clientele consists mainly of beefy future law enforcers who actually go to bars with towels around their necks. The mediocre art on the walls is hung crooked, which drives me crazy, and the jukebox is about as run of the mill as they get I would say only go to this bar if you're too drunk to remember why you don't like it.